So.........I write songs.

Gah. 

I'm the type of girl who shares her inner being with just about everyone. Which is probably why I'm doing this.

Okay, people, you know what? I write songs. 

I just do.

Dad and I were driving home from work one day (mine, not his >:) ) and he says, "Do you hear me talking. That would make a good song." Being Daddy Dear he goes off and all rockstar on me. I sat in relative silence for a few minutes and then turned to him and sang, "Do you hear me talking, baby? What is this road we're walking, baby? When I say yes and you say no and I say stop and you say go-how will it be today?" (I don't even think those are the words. That's how random my bursts are.)

Ha. He wasn't expecting that.

"Did you write that?!"

"Uh-huh."

Too bad I didn't finish it. I kinda liked it, myself. I'm not so happy with writing music, ironically. Music can flow from my mouth if I'm trying it out on a verse. But I like spinning and squeezing lyrics into something people just might, in some unexplored universe, enjoy. Maybe you even do. I don't know. *jumps around*

{My personality's not your bad habit/I redraw the line wherever you erase it}

{Your face says I'll never win you over/But who's gonna hate me for one four-leaf clover?}

{Give me your summer romance/The one that didn't work out/I'll show you a cliche/And a boy not worth a shout}

"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." Eileen Mayhew

When I was a kid, life was good. When all you have to worry about is what game you're going to play today, life is good.

Lately, I've seen that there's a dark cloud hanging over my head. Maybe it's made of every stupid thing I ever did. Maybe it's made of all the good things I didn't know. Goodness knows I'm no genius, maybe I don't WANT to know.

Talking to one of my very best friends tonight, he told me I was sad all the time, and, needless to say, he made it clear to me that it wasn't good. 

"Well, okay. I'll try to be happy."

"Good!"

When I got off the phone, I stopped to think about it. I'm not a "happy" person. I have a need for intensity in everything I do. I can thrive on sorrow, a lot of  laughter, passion, and physical pain. I didn't know if I wanted to be "happy".

Well, now. Let me rephrase. GOODNESS KNOWS I don't want to be a depressed emo freak all my life. But most of my friends have a very uncomplicated life. I've gone through things they haven't, and as a result of genes, hard experiences, and just being me, I have an annoyingly complex personality. It's in my nature to be dramatic, and I almost ENJOY being sad sometimes. I don't want to change for anyone, but I don't want to be sad all the time. I want a happy balance. And sometimes, all my happy friends can't understand that. It's odd, almost funny. 

My life would make a good comic strip.

This blog post is almost a letter. Sometimes, everyone should just let me fix my own problems. Sometimes, I want to be happy. Sometimes, I want to be sad. Sometimes, I want to be me.

To HELP.......I'm a freaking introvert.

 Just.....let me mope, okay?

My family are a bunch of introverts. Like, Star Trek watching, Internet junkie introverts. And even I need alone time sometimes.

Now, when I was littler, that wasn't such a bad thing. My mom arranged playdates and when those weren't going on, I was okay with playing with my sisters. Life was so simple.

Then I turned 11, and I started going to HELP. Now, I love HELP deeply. It's like home. I'm not saying I don't. I love it so much I could cry, that's how important it is to me. And, when I was 11, 12, 13, it wasn't such a big deal that I didn't hang out with the other girls, that we were just "class friends". 

But then, around 13-14, I started to realize I was getting popular. Now, I do NOT want to sound conceited, but it's true. Ask anyone who the 3 most popular boys and the 4 most popular girls were in drama last semester, and they would say Aaron Marshall, Adam Roesner, and Isaac Owens, and Cassidy Conlin, Mattie Jones, Rachel Funke, and.....me. It was almost to a point of matching us up with the boys. That's what comes of being a wee bit bubbly and having an uncontrollable laugh. 

That, however, was last year.

I'm struggling, now, to keep the friends I made. I HATE talking on the phone, it just makes me nervous. It's probably my OCD coming through, which means talking on the phone is GOOD for me. I don't think of hanging out with people often enough, I never grew up with it. I have a hard time connecting. So I see my friends slipping away. You know why? You all are normal. Surprise! You don't exactly know what to do with me.

You all know who you are. I love you all and I WANT to be your friends. I'm not a manic emo who hates everybody just because I'm struggling to make life work with junior year (UGH) and I grew up the weird, introverted child. It's true, I like Peabo Bryson, jazz, being alone, and I obsess over things a lot. I don't fit in. I'm trying.

Don't drift away, just give me a kick in the teeth and call me. Let's hang out.I want to be your friend, honest.

Sorry to be pushy and weird. This is the solution I see, to fixing a problem and explaining you need to give me a bit of understanding. I'm a 5-year-old learning how to ride a bike. I'm a 16-year-old trying to break out of being introverted. I'm not used to being good friends with people. Odd, but true.