On Titanic....again

The question I may use to decide how well you know me is, "Who's my favorite actor?" If you don't know, you can't have known me very well. I am a crazy theatre geek, and my friends can attest to that fact. But, sorry, my favorite actor will forever and always be Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio. (By the way, did you know that an agent wanted to change his name to Lenny Williams because they thought his real name was too hard to pronounce? Yeah. SO glad they didn't.) And, of course, I love The Aviator and Inception and anything Leo, but my favorite movie will always and forever be Titanic.

Ah, deep romantic sigh.

NOW. I have guy friends, and I love them to death. But, they can't really understand my obsession with this movie. "Umm, Titanic sails, boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy dies. WUT NOW?" (this is why I then try to unsuccessfully talk them out of their point of view. So far, it hasn't worked. No surprise there.) Now, I hope I'm fair about the fact that, yes, in essence, that is what the storyline is. But they're missing the point completely! Titanic, to me, is so much more than that.

First and foremost, let me say right here and now-it's a chick flick, boys. I'm not expecting you to become a crazy fan. That would, in fact, be a little creepy. More than a little creepy. When I rag on you for treating it badly-keep in mind, I'm a mean person. It's in my nature, or something. That is our little game-you hate it, I try to convince you to not, it doesn't work, I'm okay with that. Moving on.

Second of all, I'm in love. And I know most girls say that at this age, and then end up with another guy two weeks later. But my friends know that when it comes to me-yes, I'm dramatic. But I'm also legit, absotively posolutely in love. And that's taken a huge, huge bear

ring on the way I watch Titanic. First is the Big Question-were Jack and Rose really in love? First of all, for proper chick-flick-romance-and-obsessed-with-this-movie-cause-Leo-is-yummy purposes, I am obligated for a yes. Seccond of all, that really depends on the way you describe love. Did they

have enough attatchment to die for each other? Yes. Did they have enough attatchment to put the other first? Yes. Did they prove their attatchment over time? Well, therein lies the past 14 years of people's skeptical mindset. What would have happened if they had both survived? We actually

can't tell. There are some who say, "Oh, their love was strong. They made it" and there are some who say "No way on earth! It was superficial and they fell apart." The truth, people? We really can't prove anything. Sorry. Feelings change a lot for some people, and not at all for other people. For me, I'm inclined to think they made it, simply because of the affection and relationship they showed, and also because that's the way the story should go, in my point of view. So there, nyeahhh.

SO. Now that we have that cleared up-where were we? Oh yeah, I'm in love. *lovestruck grin* And looking at it, the question runs through my mind-"Would I jump off that boat for ----?" (For blog post purposes, and the privacy he so dearly adores, we'll call him The Man....) The truth-sorry melodramatic attitudes-is that I'll probably never know. I would hope that I would love The Man enough to go down to E deck and cut off his handcuffs, or jump off the rescue ship because I couldn't leave him. But I don't really know, as I haven't been faced with the circumstances. THIS, dear ones, is what we would call a "what if" situation. The Man is not fond of these, at all. "Why ask me if I would when it hasn't happened?" Oh, the realistic meets the dramatic. What a beautiful waltz! Meanwhile, I'm cultivating the love to do that. One thing I wonder, however-no, scratch that, two things. Number one-Is jumping off that boat love, or craziness? You decide that.  The other thing that strikes me on occasion is, if Rose just stayed put in that boat, the chances would be a lot greater that she and Jack would have made it out of the wreck alive. But, of course, Jack has to die, the story wouldn't be right if he lived. (More on that later.)

I'm a history buff. I'm planning to minor in it in college, that's how big of a history buff I am. And I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks this, but the story just wouldn't be right-it wouldn't hold that charisma of a whole different time, if it was in the present. (Erm duh.) Of course, the story is actually set in the present-everything on the Titanic is a flashback. Woo! I'm infatuated with the charisma that history holds, the different culture and propriety and people. Also, older people, to me, hold an entire history book of their lives inside. World War 1, World War 2, bobby socks and poodle skirts, heels around the house, disco fever, phonebooth stuffing, Eve Arden, Walter Pigeon, Lucille Ball, Dick van Dyke, goldfish gulping, go-go girls, The Beatles, Pet Rocks, The Cold War, and the time when women were woman, children were children, and men were all good-looking. (Woot woot!) It's fascinating to me, history is. And that may be part of the reason I love Titanic so much, is because it's so historical, mixed in with the romance and tragedy.

I confess. I love Mr. Andrews. So much. All the more so since Victor Garber was also a stage actor. (Anthony in Sweeney Todd, anyone?) And I would like to explain to people-and maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way-is that, guess what? Jack dies. And it's sad. Horrible. Tear-fest, even. But it's supposed to happen. Rose has to lead a life without him. Part of the story is that she had a wonderful life, because he made her promise to never let go. He kept her going, her whole life. But for that to happen, Jack is supposed to die. But Mr. Andrews?! I mean, part of this film is historical. But that doesn't keep me from being sad when Mr. Andrews stops the clock in the lounge and waits for the ship to sink, doing nothing. Whole 'nother tear-fest right there.

I greatly bemoan the fact that I cannot cry when I watch Titanic. I know, I'm awful, right? Oh, yes, a depression overtakes me. And I WANT to cry. But I can't. *hangs head* I'm not a person who cries at movies.  Depression? Chyeah. But I can't cry. Awful.

 I hesitate to end this post, as I know I'll probably end up writing another Titanic-related post. Maybe not soon, but most likely, I'll be jotting down my reflections on this masterpiece. In the meantime-HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEO! Next month <3 and hip, hip, huzzah, James Cameron.  You make me smile.

~rae <3

Rambles on fall.

 Today, I ponder upon how much I hate fall.

Well, okay. Maybe that's a bit harsh. But fall just isn't my thing. Everyone around me is like "Yay! Cute winter clothes! Yay! Juicy apples! Yay! Pretty leaves! Yay! Cool weather!"

1-Cute on you, not necessarily on me.
2-Not big on apples.
3-Those leaves are only pretty until the winter eats them.
4-I'm such a summer person. Hate cold.

Can I just be a major Debbie Downer here?! I mean, school starts. The days get shorter. All the leaves crumble and fall. Noses get chapped, as do lips and hands and health. Runny noses. Frozen ground. Memories of summer. For all those people who love fall, good for you. And I do admit, it holds a certain charisma, even for me. I just wish it was warmer.

Okay, after that wonderful display........even I have some things I like about fall. School starts, and, along with that, HELP starts. For those of you who don't know me, I'm a homeschooler, and hysterically proud of that fact. Higher Extension Learning Program, or HELP is where I take Lit/Comp, and more importantly to me, DRAMA. I get to see all my friends whom I've missed over the summer and audition and we all have a grand time.

I don't usually talk about it, but each season with its essence gets a major emotional response from me. Spring isn't as big, but hey, everybody loves spring. Summer gives me the fabulous, "the world is everything and I am anything" feeling. Winter is such a comforting, reminiscent, magical feeling. And fall is sad, but strong at the same time. It's a reminder of how big the world is. Feelings like this can be difficult to put into words.

So, fine. I guess fall isn't so bad.

Random weird things about me.

I'm so bored.

I'm in love with Jack Dawson. I know everyone was in 1997, but hey, I was 2 years old then. So I'm in love with him NOW. ;)

I take a nap like every day, go to bed late, and am tired for work the nest morning. Never fails.

I have a better emotional response to music when I'm in bed than when I'm outside. I guess I can concentrate on it better or something.

I procrastinate well. I know everyone does, but mine is like almost a serious case, like a I-don't-know-if-I'll-get-into-college case. Stupid habits.

I don't appreciate milk, pork, chicken, steak, cheese, peanut butter, Mexican food, strawberries, or apples like people should. I'm extremely picky.

I blow e-very-thing out of proportion. WAY out of proportion. Scarily out of proportion.

I have scars all over my legs. Sad thing? They're all from bug bites and me scratching them over and over again. Sigh.

I love biking to the library. I COULD ask my sister to drive me, but I like to have sweat pouring down my back when I walk in, like "Oh yeah, I just biked in 96-degree weather, and YOU drove. Ahahaha."

I have a very, very, VERY thin skin. It's gotten a lot better, but it took a lot to get a thick one. Thus, I can laugh things off much better now.

I always tell myself that the sun will come out eventually, if not tomorrow, and I gotta keep going. Optimist? I don't label myself in that area. That's just my mantra.

My nails are awful. My guy friends have better nails than me, and that's wrong.

I still leap into bed after turning off the light. Stupid dark.

Green olives, marinated mushrooms and gumbo are my loves.

I used to sing in the shower. But, guess what? I found the garage is better.

I love life sometimes. I mean, like REALLY crying-a-bucketload-of-tears happy and all. I love those times.

My mom asked me if I had had my first kiss a while ago. Nope, I haven't. My guess? It'll be a stage kiss.

~Rae

I made a pome.

Sweat
Heat
Pain
The hot wind
Blowing against my face
Pumping hard
Pushing
the bike pedals
My neighborhood
The same
all
over
splashes of personality
cling to
the houses
paved roads
healthy trees
The sounds of
a party
Take the off road
The no outlet road
The stony road
Nearly deserted
An old man
Frail man
He pushes his walker
and I wonder-
He has a whole life
behind
those
wheels
All the pain
tears
joy
love
anger
roughness
from hewing out
from a small baby's mind
a human being.
A wife
kids
grandkids
accomplishments
a life
too full
to be contained
behind
those
wheels
I took the off road
The no outlet road
The stony road
Nearly deserted
A girl
walks by
walking a dog
as big as she is
blond ponytail
shorts
baggy shirt
For an odd reason
my mind screams
"california girl
but
she lives in Ohio."
I smile at her
but
the smile
is for the fluffy dog.
I took the off road
The no outlet road
The stony road
Nearly deserted
A boy
about my age
mows the lawn
his shirt and shorts
coordinate
Is he looking at me?
Why?
He's dark
lanky
I bike on.
I took the off road
The no outlet road
The stony road
Nearly deserted
I come full circle
to the end
of
the
road
Houses
slightly run down
I imagine
frightening men
drinking beer
who live
behind
those
old
windows
the forest
has
an
old
blue
sign
nailed to an outlying tree
nothing on it
just a blue canvas
infinite possibilities
in a can
of
paint
I'm not the kind of girl
who would trek
into
that
forest
rule-breaker
fearless
I'm just
me
Do I regret it?
No.
I turn back
onto
The nicely paved roads
and the houses
all the same
lucky
rich
but
not the kind of
old
sad
personality
I found
In my no outlet road.

Not my road, but sure purdy.

So.........I write songs.

Gah. 

I'm the type of girl who shares her inner being with just about everyone. Which is probably why I'm doing this.

Okay, people, you know what? I write songs. 

I just do.

Dad and I were driving home from work one day (mine, not his >:) ) and he says, "Do you hear me talking. That would make a good song." Being Daddy Dear he goes off and all rockstar on me. I sat in relative silence for a few minutes and then turned to him and sang, "Do you hear me talking, baby? What is this road we're walking, baby? When I say yes and you say no and I say stop and you say go-how will it be today?" (I don't even think those are the words. That's how random my bursts are.)

Ha. He wasn't expecting that.

"Did you write that?!"

"Uh-huh."

Too bad I didn't finish it. I kinda liked it, myself. I'm not so happy with writing music, ironically. Music can flow from my mouth if I'm trying it out on a verse. But I like spinning and squeezing lyrics into something people just might, in some unexplored universe, enjoy. Maybe you even do. I don't know. *jumps around*

{My personality's not your bad habit/I redraw the line wherever you erase it}

{Your face says I'll never win you over/But who's gonna hate me for one four-leaf clover?}

{Give me your summer romance/The one that didn't work out/I'll show you a cliche/And a boy not worth a shout}

"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." Eileen Mayhew

When I was a kid, life was good. When all you have to worry about is what game you're going to play today, life is good.

Lately, I've seen that there's a dark cloud hanging over my head. Maybe it's made of every stupid thing I ever did. Maybe it's made of all the good things I didn't know. Goodness knows I'm no genius, maybe I don't WANT to know.

Talking to one of my very best friends tonight, he told me I was sad all the time, and, needless to say, he made it clear to me that it wasn't good. 

"Well, okay. I'll try to be happy."

"Good!"

When I got off the phone, I stopped to think about it. I'm not a "happy" person. I have a need for intensity in everything I do. I can thrive on sorrow, a lot of  laughter, passion, and physical pain. I didn't know if I wanted to be "happy".

Well, now. Let me rephrase. GOODNESS KNOWS I don't want to be a depressed emo freak all my life. But most of my friends have a very uncomplicated life. I've gone through things they haven't, and as a result of genes, hard experiences, and just being me, I have an annoyingly complex personality. It's in my nature to be dramatic, and I almost ENJOY being sad sometimes. I don't want to change for anyone, but I don't want to be sad all the time. I want a happy balance. And sometimes, all my happy friends can't understand that. It's odd, almost funny. 

My life would make a good comic strip.

This blog post is almost a letter. Sometimes, everyone should just let me fix my own problems. Sometimes, I want to be happy. Sometimes, I want to be sad. Sometimes, I want to be me.

To HELP.......I'm a freaking introvert.

 Just.....let me mope, okay?

My family are a bunch of introverts. Like, Star Trek watching, Internet junkie introverts. And even I need alone time sometimes.

Now, when I was littler, that wasn't such a bad thing. My mom arranged playdates and when those weren't going on, I was okay with playing with my sisters. Life was so simple.

Then I turned 11, and I started going to HELP. Now, I love HELP deeply. It's like home. I'm not saying I don't. I love it so much I could cry, that's how important it is to me. And, when I was 11, 12, 13, it wasn't such a big deal that I didn't hang out with the other girls, that we were just "class friends". 

But then, around 13-14, I started to realize I was getting popular. Now, I do NOT want to sound conceited, but it's true. Ask anyone who the 3 most popular boys and the 4 most popular girls were in drama last semester, and they would say Aaron Marshall, Adam Roesner, and Isaac Owens, and Cassidy Conlin, Mattie Jones, Rachel Funke, and.....me. It was almost to a point of matching us up with the boys. That's what comes of being a wee bit bubbly and having an uncontrollable laugh. 

That, however, was last year.

I'm struggling, now, to keep the friends I made. I HATE talking on the phone, it just makes me nervous. It's probably my OCD coming through, which means talking on the phone is GOOD for me. I don't think of hanging out with people often enough, I never grew up with it. I have a hard time connecting. So I see my friends slipping away. You know why? You all are normal. Surprise! You don't exactly know what to do with me.

You all know who you are. I love you all and I WANT to be your friends. I'm not a manic emo who hates everybody just because I'm struggling to make life work with junior year (UGH) and I grew up the weird, introverted child. It's true, I like Peabo Bryson, jazz, being alone, and I obsess over things a lot. I don't fit in. I'm trying.

Don't drift away, just give me a kick in the teeth and call me. Let's hang out.I want to be your friend, honest.

Sorry to be pushy and weird. This is the solution I see, to fixing a problem and explaining you need to give me a bit of understanding. I'm a 5-year-old learning how to ride a bike. I'm a 16-year-old trying to break out of being introverted. I'm not used to being good friends with people. Odd, but true.

Rae's playlist-as of now.

 Um, why am I listening to dance music?!

Most people have boundaries on music. Say, they love country and hate rap. Then there are the rap-worshipers that despise pop. Some love indie and nothing else. Me, I love everything. I'll listen to country, pop, soft pop, show tunes, rap, hip-hop, electronica, dance, a little bit of indie, a little bit of rock, soundtrack, so on and so on. I love EVERYTHING. That being said, here's some of my picks as of now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LupeGtJ3a3E

Selena Gomez and the Scene-Love You Like a Love Song

Haters gonna hate. This song is way too catchy, even if the lyrics are kinda cheesy. Who's gonna listen to every single song on her new album when it hits iTunes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zuviud2HHQ

Cascada-Every Time We Touch

So, it's kinda old. I don't give a rip. NOTE-Most versions of this song are dance or radio edits. The first time I heard it, I heard Yanou's Candlelight Mix, which is slower, and might just make you cry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajRMeQxtirY

(Yes, it's a Titanic tribute vid. Deal with it.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLMCVsa_-Wc

Bianca Ryan-I Will

Also kinda old, and most people don't know who she is. Bianca won the premiere season of America's Got Talent at 11 years old-and no wonder. I love her music and even her covers. In fact, let's have a little more Bianca....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvm1HRm3tWg

Bianca Ryan-I Wish That

I dare you not to cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPUJIbXN0WY

Michael Bublé-Everything

The first Michael Bublé song I ever heard. So darling. <3

Dare I do more later, loves? Maybe, maybe.

What love is.

 When I was younger, I had a crush on a guy named Steven. Brown hair, freckles, cocky, rugged, loud. I adored him. When I found out he liked me too, an interesting feeling hit me-the feeling of having someone like you back. I tried to define love, but it was hard.

 Now, obviously, this whole post is not about Steven of the Cute Freckles. That was years ago, when I was 8 or so. I lost touch with him, and haven't talked to him in years. Oh no, this is really about love.

One of my guy friends once asked me, "What's your definition of love?" It freaked me out. I had had a pretty loose definition of love for a while. On me asking him the same question, he replied, "The amount of care for a person that compels one to accept them fully for who they are and gives them the strength of character to deal with issues and solve things instead of giving up."

Well, wow.

That'll take the freaking cake.

But I've spent the past year or so trying to grow into a mature person, and I think love can be construed a lot of different ways now. It would be far-fetched to say I LOVED Steven, even if I liked him a lot. Love takes a lot, and when you're 8, you're not ready to be in love.

Technically, part of a definition of true love, for me, is to be willing to stay with that person, and ONLY that person, all your life. I'm in love, but not love that deep. It's unfair to ask that of anyone at 16, or even a couple years older. It's not easy to reach that level of love until you're talking marriage.

Also, it appears to me that love can mature, if helped. I've heard so many times that older couples love each other now more than the day they were married. Maybe it was going through life together. I guess they may know the secret.

Love is a deep affection for one person, and it's also actions. I, admittedly, still have to work on this. The reason I've been working on being more mature is for, um, love reasons. You might have to change just a little bit for that person, and if you love them, you can do it.

That's another thing. If you love someone-and this applies to friends too-then it's almost your duty to help them, not only through hard times, but through their faults. I'm not saying when you fall in love with someone, you have to make them perfect. You don't have to make them stop biting their nails or dress better. But if they have major faults or problems, it's your job to help them with that, but not to take them over.

Ah, borne of a Sunday afternoon with naught to do. I'm not saying all these things are things you need to do. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe your definition is better. But I think these are ways love can be construed. Pardon my musings.

~Rae <3

Adventures of an Irresponsible Sophomore.

 I must admit it. These past couple years haven't been the best for my schooling.


I guess it started around March 2008 or so. Sarah was going to fly to Florida to visit the grandparents, and for some reason, my school started slipping. Bad stuff, but no big deal, eh?


VERY big deal.


It kept slipping and slipping and slipping until I really wasn't sure how far behind I was anymore. I was behind for literally MONTHS. Dad punished me severely, but really, I wasn't about to do anything until I could get up the mindset to do it. Eventually, I did. The end, right?


Wrong.


Ever since then, it's been a habit of mine to let my school get behind. I'm bright, don't get me wrong. I'm rather good in Algebra and music. But I just don't feel like doing it yet. Bad idea. I rejoice when I keep it up, and you know what? It feels really, really good. But for some reason, I can never keep it up. Unfortunately, NOW it's starting to really matter, because I'm in high school and these grades will affect my life. Groan.


Pick up the pencil, open the book. And fall asleep with boredom.


Hopefully it'll get better.

2010, in 12 Nutshells.

I credit the brainchild of this post to Emily Clifton(http://emilyclifton.tumblr.com/), for her end-of-year blog post about 2010. I was like, "Well, why shouldn't I do that?" except I'll take things a bit differently. I'm going to list the alphabet, and words that they stand for that have something to do with my year. Fun eh?! Tally-ho!


A-My new-found guy friends, Adam and Aaron. They're the best.
B-Baptism. My little sister joined the church this year.
C-Callie, LeAnna, and Katie...friends <3
D-Doctors, who took care of our massive and horribly-timed outbreak of strep throat.
E-Sweet Ethan Landreman, who lived for minutes and will be remembered forever.
F-Fiddler on the Roof, which I miss!!!
G-Grandpa Brown, who finally gets to be with his wife, whom he loved deeply.
H-HELP, my homeschool co-op which I so adore.
I-iPod, which I used so much during the year it's surprising it isn't broken.
J-Job, which Dad and I seriously talked about me getting :D
K-Kitten, Abby's new baby that we got in July or so.
L-Lady GaGa, whom I decided I loved. Her music is way too catchy.
M-Mornings. They're so much more satisfactory in the summertime.
N-Never Say Never...I have Bieber Fever <3
O-Oklahoma, which I watched for the first time this year!
P-Pierced-my little sister had her ears pierced :D
Q-Quiet, which we never got at Cedar Creek this year, due to the rain on the roof.
R-Room. I'm moving downstairs soon babayy!
S-Surgery, which some of the people I'm closest to had this year. Not fun.
T-Titanic, my new-found favorite movie.
U-Underdog, best superhero theme song ever.
V-Vaida and Titus-twin's friends came to OH for a while :)
W-Weekend meeting in TN-first year going, had so much fun!
X-Xactly why does everyone think Ke$ha's so hot?!
Y-Year, Sarah's senior year.....
Z-Zoom-wait, where'd the year go?!

 Me in January 2010...

And January 2011.

The Epic Music Series-Love Songs (Pop)

Mercy sakes alive, I've been away too long. Not that there's more than like 3 people who read this blog, but oh well. Here goes, pop love themes. Tally-ho, off we go.


1- We'll Be Together (Ashley Tisdale)-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lrVU5Or2do

I used to listen to this all the time. It still makes me want to sing it to an audience of many.


Music or lyrics-Music.


iTunes avaliability-Available.


2-I Still Believe (Hayden Panettiere)-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmMiANOTSZM

Even my older sister likes this one. It's atypical, waltz-y, absolutely irresistible.


Music or Lyrics-Lyrics.


iTunes availability-Unfortunately, this is a bonus track for Princess Disneymania, so unless you buy the whole album, you can't get it. I was not happy.


3-Ever Ever After (Carrie Underwood)-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MD1cadVwJqE

Um, duh. This is also atypical, happy, and still retains pop strains. And hey, it's Carrie. You gotta love it.


Music or Lyrics-Music...maybe...


iTunes availability-Unfortunately, just like I Still Believe, this is a bonus track for the Enchanted album. However, I found a version by Jordan Pruitt that's pretty good as well.


4-She Will Be Loved (Maroon 5)-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUVxaYdgS_Q

I just discovered this like yesterday, and I absolutely love it.


Music or Lyrics-Music.


iTunes availability-I THINK so.


5-Never Had A Dream Come True-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cSz2PEck1I

I found this on a Titanic tribute, and again, it was an amazing find.


Music or Lyrics-Lyrics.


iTunes availability-I believe so.


This may be edited later, we'll see.......tally-ho, folks!

Green Stuff.

 I actually like vegetables. LOVE them, more like it.


I was born in Hidden Valley. Well, practically. And you know those Chef Boyardee ads, "Behold the mythical vegetable-loving kid"?


He exists, baby. That's me.


When I was younger, my parents had to make me eat a cookie before I had more broccoli. I've just always liked vegetables. I seriously enjoy grossing people out by eating every vegetable they hate in front of them. Squash? Beautiful. Asparagus, broccoli, cucumbers? Delish. Brussel sprouts? Favorite.


Cucumbers are a special thing about this house, because Mom hates me going and eating the gourmet cucumbers. (Yes, I can put away half a cucumber by myself. Got a problem with that?) But it is bliss to cut up a cucumber and pour on the dressing and act all vegetarian. MMM. 


I love it.


I am supposed to cut carrots into little pieces when I eat them, because of my braces. No way, yo. If my brackets wanna break, so be it. And so far, it's been pretty much fine. SO THERE.


I'm totally stark raving mad, I know.