Random weird things about me.

I'm so bored.

I'm in love with Jack Dawson. I know everyone was in 1997, but hey, I was 2 years old then. So I'm in love with him NOW. ;)

I take a nap like every day, go to bed late, and am tired for work the nest morning. Never fails.

I have a better emotional response to music when I'm in bed than when I'm outside. I guess I can concentrate on it better or something.

I procrastinate well. I know everyone does, but mine is like almost a serious case, like a I-don't-know-if-I'll-get-into-college case. Stupid habits.

I don't appreciate milk, pork, chicken, steak, cheese, peanut butter, Mexican food, strawberries, or apples like people should. I'm extremely picky.

I blow e-very-thing out of proportion. WAY out of proportion. Scarily out of proportion.

I have scars all over my legs. Sad thing? They're all from bug bites and me scratching them over and over again. Sigh.

I love biking to the library. I COULD ask my sister to drive me, but I like to have sweat pouring down my back when I walk in, like "Oh yeah, I just biked in 96-degree weather, and YOU drove. Ahahaha."

I have a very, very, VERY thin skin. It's gotten a lot better, but it took a lot to get a thick one. Thus, I can laugh things off much better now.

I always tell myself that the sun will come out eventually, if not tomorrow, and I gotta keep going. Optimist? I don't label myself in that area. That's just my mantra.

My nails are awful. My guy friends have better nails than me, and that's wrong.

I still leap into bed after turning off the light. Stupid dark.

Green olives, marinated mushrooms and gumbo are my loves.

I used to sing in the shower. But, guess what? I found the garage is better.

I love life sometimes. I mean, like REALLY crying-a-bucketload-of-tears happy and all. I love those times.

My mom asked me if I had had my first kiss a while ago. Nope, I haven't. My guess? It'll be a stage kiss.

~Rae

I made a pome.

Sweat
Heat
Pain
The hot wind
Blowing against my face
Pumping hard
Pushing
the bike pedals
My neighborhood
The same
all
over
splashes of personality
cling to
the houses
paved roads
healthy trees
The sounds of
a party
Take the off road
The no outlet road
The stony road
Nearly deserted
An old man
Frail man
He pushes his walker
and I wonder-
He has a whole life
behind
those
wheels
All the pain
tears
joy
love
anger
roughness
from hewing out
from a small baby's mind
a human being.
A wife
kids
grandkids
accomplishments
a life
too full
to be contained
behind
those
wheels
I took the off road
The no outlet road
The stony road
Nearly deserted
A girl
walks by
walking a dog
as big as she is
blond ponytail
shorts
baggy shirt
For an odd reason
my mind screams
"california girl
but
she lives in Ohio."
I smile at her
but
the smile
is for the fluffy dog.
I took the off road
The no outlet road
The stony road
Nearly deserted
A boy
about my age
mows the lawn
his shirt and shorts
coordinate
Is he looking at me?
Why?
He's dark
lanky
I bike on.
I took the off road
The no outlet road
The stony road
Nearly deserted
I come full circle
to the end
of
the
road
Houses
slightly run down
I imagine
frightening men
drinking beer
who live
behind
those
old
windows
the forest
has
an
old
blue
sign
nailed to an outlying tree
nothing on it
just a blue canvas
infinite possibilities
in a can
of
paint
I'm not the kind of girl
who would trek
into
that
forest
rule-breaker
fearless
I'm just
me
Do I regret it?
No.
I turn back
onto
The nicely paved roads
and the houses
all the same
lucky
rich
but
not the kind of
old
sad
personality
I found
In my no outlet road.

Not my road, but sure purdy.

So.........I write songs.

Gah. 

I'm the type of girl who shares her inner being with just about everyone. Which is probably why I'm doing this.

Okay, people, you know what? I write songs. 

I just do.

Dad and I were driving home from work one day (mine, not his >:) ) and he says, "Do you hear me talking. That would make a good song." Being Daddy Dear he goes off and all rockstar on me. I sat in relative silence for a few minutes and then turned to him and sang, "Do you hear me talking, baby? What is this road we're walking, baby? When I say yes and you say no and I say stop and you say go-how will it be today?" (I don't even think those are the words. That's how random my bursts are.)

Ha. He wasn't expecting that.

"Did you write that?!"

"Uh-huh."

Too bad I didn't finish it. I kinda liked it, myself. I'm not so happy with writing music, ironically. Music can flow from my mouth if I'm trying it out on a verse. But I like spinning and squeezing lyrics into something people just might, in some unexplored universe, enjoy. Maybe you even do. I don't know. *jumps around*

{My personality's not your bad habit/I redraw the line wherever you erase it}

{Your face says I'll never win you over/But who's gonna hate me for one four-leaf clover?}

{Give me your summer romance/The one that didn't work out/I'll show you a cliche/And a boy not worth a shout}

"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." Eileen Mayhew

When I was a kid, life was good. When all you have to worry about is what game you're going to play today, life is good.

Lately, I've seen that there's a dark cloud hanging over my head. Maybe it's made of every stupid thing I ever did. Maybe it's made of all the good things I didn't know. Goodness knows I'm no genius, maybe I don't WANT to know.

Talking to one of my very best friends tonight, he told me I was sad all the time, and, needless to say, he made it clear to me that it wasn't good. 

"Well, okay. I'll try to be happy."

"Good!"

When I got off the phone, I stopped to think about it. I'm not a "happy" person. I have a need for intensity in everything I do. I can thrive on sorrow, a lot of  laughter, passion, and physical pain. I didn't know if I wanted to be "happy".

Well, now. Let me rephrase. GOODNESS KNOWS I don't want to be a depressed emo freak all my life. But most of my friends have a very uncomplicated life. I've gone through things they haven't, and as a result of genes, hard experiences, and just being me, I have an annoyingly complex personality. It's in my nature to be dramatic, and I almost ENJOY being sad sometimes. I don't want to change for anyone, but I don't want to be sad all the time. I want a happy balance. And sometimes, all my happy friends can't understand that. It's odd, almost funny. 

My life would make a good comic strip.

This blog post is almost a letter. Sometimes, everyone should just let me fix my own problems. Sometimes, I want to be happy. Sometimes, I want to be sad. Sometimes, I want to be me.

To HELP.......I'm a freaking introvert.

 Just.....let me mope, okay?

My family are a bunch of introverts. Like, Star Trek watching, Internet junkie introverts. And even I need alone time sometimes.

Now, when I was littler, that wasn't such a bad thing. My mom arranged playdates and when those weren't going on, I was okay with playing with my sisters. Life was so simple.

Then I turned 11, and I started going to HELP. Now, I love HELP deeply. It's like home. I'm not saying I don't. I love it so much I could cry, that's how important it is to me. And, when I was 11, 12, 13, it wasn't such a big deal that I didn't hang out with the other girls, that we were just "class friends". 

But then, around 13-14, I started to realize I was getting popular. Now, I do NOT want to sound conceited, but it's true. Ask anyone who the 3 most popular boys and the 4 most popular girls were in drama last semester, and they would say Aaron Marshall, Adam Roesner, and Isaac Owens, and Cassidy Conlin, Mattie Jones, Rachel Funke, and.....me. It was almost to a point of matching us up with the boys. That's what comes of being a wee bit bubbly and having an uncontrollable laugh. 

That, however, was last year.

I'm struggling, now, to keep the friends I made. I HATE talking on the phone, it just makes me nervous. It's probably my OCD coming through, which means talking on the phone is GOOD for me. I don't think of hanging out with people often enough, I never grew up with it. I have a hard time connecting. So I see my friends slipping away. You know why? You all are normal. Surprise! You don't exactly know what to do with me.

You all know who you are. I love you all and I WANT to be your friends. I'm not a manic emo who hates everybody just because I'm struggling to make life work with junior year (UGH) and I grew up the weird, introverted child. It's true, I like Peabo Bryson, jazz, being alone, and I obsess over things a lot. I don't fit in. I'm trying.

Don't drift away, just give me a kick in the teeth and call me. Let's hang out.I want to be your friend, honest.

Sorry to be pushy and weird. This is the solution I see, to fixing a problem and explaining you need to give me a bit of understanding. I'm a 5-year-old learning how to ride a bike. I'm a 16-year-old trying to break out of being introverted. I'm not used to being good friends with people. Odd, but true.

Rae's playlist-as of now.

 Um, why am I listening to dance music?!

Most people have boundaries on music. Say, they love country and hate rap. Then there are the rap-worshipers that despise pop. Some love indie and nothing else. Me, I love everything. I'll listen to country, pop, soft pop, show tunes, rap, hip-hop, electronica, dance, a little bit of indie, a little bit of rock, soundtrack, so on and so on. I love EVERYTHING. That being said, here's some of my picks as of now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LupeGtJ3a3E

Selena Gomez and the Scene-Love You Like a Love Song

Haters gonna hate. This song is way too catchy, even if the lyrics are kinda cheesy. Who's gonna listen to every single song on her new album when it hits iTunes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zuviud2HHQ

Cascada-Every Time We Touch

So, it's kinda old. I don't give a rip. NOTE-Most versions of this song are dance or radio edits. The first time I heard it, I heard Yanou's Candlelight Mix, which is slower, and might just make you cry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajRMeQxtirY

(Yes, it's a Titanic tribute vid. Deal with it.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLMCVsa_-Wc

Bianca Ryan-I Will

Also kinda old, and most people don't know who she is. Bianca won the premiere season of America's Got Talent at 11 years old-and no wonder. I love her music and even her covers. In fact, let's have a little more Bianca....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvm1HRm3tWg

Bianca Ryan-I Wish That

I dare you not to cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPUJIbXN0WY

Michael Bublé-Everything

The first Michael Bublé song I ever heard. So darling. <3

Dare I do more later, loves? Maybe, maybe.

What love is.

 When I was younger, I had a crush on a guy named Steven. Brown hair, freckles, cocky, rugged, loud. I adored him. When I found out he liked me too, an interesting feeling hit me-the feeling of having someone like you back. I tried to define love, but it was hard.

 Now, obviously, this whole post is not about Steven of the Cute Freckles. That was years ago, when I was 8 or so. I lost touch with him, and haven't talked to him in years. Oh no, this is really about love.

One of my guy friends once asked me, "What's your definition of love?" It freaked me out. I had had a pretty loose definition of love for a while. On me asking him the same question, he replied, "The amount of care for a person that compels one to accept them fully for who they are and gives them the strength of character to deal with issues and solve things instead of giving up."

Well, wow.

That'll take the freaking cake.

But I've spent the past year or so trying to grow into a mature person, and I think love can be construed a lot of different ways now. It would be far-fetched to say I LOVED Steven, even if I liked him a lot. Love takes a lot, and when you're 8, you're not ready to be in love.

Technically, part of a definition of true love, for me, is to be willing to stay with that person, and ONLY that person, all your life. I'm in love, but not love that deep. It's unfair to ask that of anyone at 16, or even a couple years older. It's not easy to reach that level of love until you're talking marriage.

Also, it appears to me that love can mature, if helped. I've heard so many times that older couples love each other now more than the day they were married. Maybe it was going through life together. I guess they may know the secret.

Love is a deep affection for one person, and it's also actions. I, admittedly, still have to work on this. The reason I've been working on being more mature is for, um, love reasons. You might have to change just a little bit for that person, and if you love them, you can do it.

That's another thing. If you love someone-and this applies to friends too-then it's almost your duty to help them, not only through hard times, but through their faults. I'm not saying when you fall in love with someone, you have to make them perfect. You don't have to make them stop biting their nails or dress better. But if they have major faults or problems, it's your job to help them with that, but not to take them over.

Ah, borne of a Sunday afternoon with naught to do. I'm not saying all these things are things you need to do. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe your definition is better. But I think these are ways love can be construed. Pardon my musings.

~Rae <3